IAN IS TOO GODDAMN METAL.

Drugs and demons and kings, oh my!

I’m beginning to sincerely believe my greatest failing in life is my inability to draw good hands.

Get in the XONE. Xbone? Xbox? X1?

Earlier today, Microsoft announced their next generation tech, somewhat questionably dubbed the Xbox ONE. The conference has generated a lot of vitriol, snark, and derision, which seems to be becoming all too commonplace in the games industry. It’s almost like most people are salivating at the mouth for something to hate. It’s a little sad, really, like we don’t play video games because we like them anymore, but because we genuinely have nothing better to do with our time than passive aggressively sigh and squeeze every little bit of sarcastic discourse we can out of every new release and announcement. In a way, we’ve always been like this, ever since Nintendo and Sega had us duking it out in the playground. Except back then, it was whether Sonic or Mario was cooler, not who had more RAM and whose stock prices were higher.

Complaints about the press conference run the gamut, and not entirely without merit. It’s easy to say that they spent at least 2/3 of the press conference talking about shit that, frankly, most of the people tuning in don’t care about, and therein lies the biggest problem of the whole spiel; Microsoft violated one of the core tenants of public speaking: play to your audience. In a way, I’m not sure Microsoft knew who their audience was here. I’m genuinely intrigued by the whole TV integration thing, the more powerful Kinect (provided it’s not snake oil like the original one), and in fact most of the things they announced. It’s just, they’re not what I, or anyone else it seems like, was hoping to see here. You’re unveiling what is probably going to be the tech status quo for the next decade, we want to see it rev its engines, not tout its user interface.

In a way, I don’t blame Microsoft for playing the games aspect so close to the chest. E3 is around the corner, and I have no doubt that’s where the deluge will hit, especially since they only have what we can assume is four or five months between that and launch, which really isn’t much time to drum up marketing hype for a new console and its launch line up. However, the smart move (or at least the one I would rather have seen), would have been to give us a few very short in-game teasers and follow up with the promise to ‘See more at E3 2013’ or ‘Playable at E3’. Alas, maybe that was hoping for too much, but still, as far as games go, look out for E3, because that’s when they’ll open the floodgates.

Many people are already calling Sony the winner of this extended staredown. I disagree. For sure, Sony is coming in the hungrier underdog after this last generation, where the 360 got a head start and arguably has more brand momentum right now, and that means they’re going to be more aggressive coming in to this generation, but remember that their press conference generated just as many eye rolling moments and complaints afterwards. With EA seemingly now in bed with Microsoft, the ONE is poised to strike hard in previously weaker markets (such as Europe, where FIFA is king.). I may not be in love with EA, but let’s face it: people buy their games. Every year. That’s a huge advantage if the Xbox has some sort of exclusivity deal with the publisher. As for Sony’s stock prices rising today, that’s a complete coincidence, as seen here, so don’t jump to crazy conclusions. It’s anyone’s game right now.

Both companies have laid some of their cards on the table, but not their whole hand. E3 is going to be telling, and I’m taking a wait and see approach to see who blinks first on launch line up, release date, and pricing, because that’s probably going to be the final deciding factor in which system seems more promising this holiday season.

So if Yahoo is buying Tumblr…

Does that make us the new Geocities? Can we get some shitty ass layouts up in here to reflect that?

YOUR MOTHER

Now you know.

Whoops.

I’m doing that thing again where I realize Tumblr is totally a thing, use it for a week, and never touch it again for another year! I think we’re going on four years of this bullshit now.